PROLOGUE

DRAPE

• adorn , cover or wrap (someone or something)

• let (oneself) rest somewhere in a relaxed way.

• hang loosely with graceful folds

I’ve stayed silent about what I’ve been through for various reasons. Partly because I had to focus all of my energy on my kids , rebuilding our lives , breaking generational curses & finding our joy. I felt like years of my life had been squandered & I don’t want to waste anymore time. A little because, I’m no longer angry & I don’t blame anyone. Also because I don’t need anyone to hear my side of the story. (But Obviously God does)

One of my coping mechanisms has been to convince myself that the other parties involved are too fragile for me to speak up. I told myself that if I did, it would be too much for them. My therapist helped me realize how unhealthy that frame of thought is.

I’ve felt the urge to write about this for a while, but every time I tried, anxiety stopped me. Today, after a tough moment, my therapist encouraged me that writing & releasing these traumatic experiences was the right thing to do. Writing has always been my way of finding peace, and I’ve come to realize this isn’t just their story—it’s MY story too. If I truly want to help others, I need to speak up about what I’ve experienced. Especially , the traumas from my childhood that groomed me to accept the bare minimum. My first abusers were family members.

Despite the enemies tactics, I continue to escape as elevated version of myself. 

I know the devil is mad!

FIRST OF ALL

One

First things first. I’ve been going through a long, drawn-out divorce from someone I was madly in love with for nearly 13 years. He identified as atheist. Someone who started out as a "best friend with benefits" and spent nearly four years trying to make us official.

After years of dating & finally engaged, I vividly remember his friend's mother tells me - she is happy that he found a woman like me, but she also felt he should be the same person around me that he was when I wasn’t around. I respected her but had no clue why she would say that. Especially while we were drunk. When I mentioned it to him, he brushed it off. I figured, "Every guy acted a little more rowdy around his friends." A few years later another strange comment came from one of his best friends. It had just been the two of us in the kitchen. He looked at my belly and said, “It’s one thing to get married, but I thought you were smarter than that.” He said he couldn’t believe I was a dumb enough to have a baby with Jay. OUCH! I was eight months pregnant at the time & he was in our home. I mentioned it to ex, but he brushed this off too. I thought the guy was just a major hater & that my ex was desperate for friends. Why would people say these things to your wife? The comments were insensitive & unproductive , but in hindsight, there was truth in what was said.

My ex had been secretly battling & hiding a severe opioid addiction from me for over five years into our marriage . It was unintentionally revealed to me by his brother who is known to tell everyone’s business. We had a tumultuous seven-year marriage. Five of them I was in close proximity to an addict & couldn’t understand his behavior. I mean I questioned it , ALOT. But he looked good, masked intelligence & went to work. I was the one who looked famished. At times, I  began to feel constant turmoil was going to be a norm. That maybe - the intimacy , honesty , respect & communication I desired was a fairytale. I thought , things would get easier if I prayed hard enough. That I was complaining too much & not trying hard enough. I worked on fixing me & prayed vice versa. I could see that I made many mistakes . But the bottom line was - our childhood traumas aligned but our core values did not. Inside , I felt a mix of anger, hopelessness, sadness, and confusion. I didn’t look or feel like the vibrant, outgoing person I used to be. I stopped doing the things I loved. Honestly, we didn’t even share the same interests anymore. Maybe we did when we were younger but not as adults. I wanted to build with my spouse, be nasty , have lots of babies and travel the world. I never cared what other people had going on. I literally drink my water & mind my business. It felt like our paths had diverged, and instead of growing together, we were each becoming something completely different—two separate trees that didn’t even cross-pollinate.

We endured constant disagreements. I put up with a-lot from him & his family, I was angry and a time bomb. He wanted to live as if he weren’t married but still hold on to the title & privileges. I couldn’t believe I’d given up my career and moved back to Fayetteville for this.

Even our wedding was a complete disaster, btw. We had a small ceremony in North Carolina because his mom couldn’t travel out of the country. There was another service scheduled in the Dominican Republic. You wouldn’t believe but a hurricane hit the island just a few days before. That was the fun part. We had our first disagreement as newlyweds. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. It was a huge deal. I’ll have to revisit this later, but for now, all I’ll say , he refused to speak to me the entire time. After multiple attempts we ended our seven-day wedding vacation after only three days. No ceremony & barely spent a few hours together. His female best friend treated him to the spa . It was supposed to be our thing—his first massage, too. Inappropriate and inconsiderate.

After everyone had left, he finally spoke to me . We argued & he said , “Let’s just stay in New York for the rest of the week.” Was he putting on a show? I didn’t get it. Why would I want to go anywhere with him? I wanted to kill him. I was disgusted and wanted to annul the marriage right then and there. I was humiliated. Instead, I went home & fell into a deep depression for months, trying to forgive him because—well, we were married now.

INTENSIVE CARE

Two

When my son turned six months old, my ex purchased a motorcycle. He stayed in the garage for two weeks straight ,neglecting his responsibilities, spending all his time working on the bike.He wanted one since he was little. He even bought thousands of dollars worth of accessories. I was actually happy for him. He did just move us into our 1st home. I told him I will not be renting a three bedroom apartment. We had the opportunity to save & we needed to check into home ownership. The next day he called me, told me he was pre-approved & to go pick a house. He deserved a bike. I just couldn’t help but wonder where all this money was coming from.

In 2017 the mortgage rates were great, the home was prima location & was a beautiful foreclosure. I’ll get into this later but as it stands the house has doubled in value & when upstairs is complete it will have tripled in value. I wasn’t a REALTOR yet but even I knew this was an excellent investment. So yes, despite all the BS, I was thankful for my home, my family & for my ex.

I didn’t know until the third or fourth year of our marriage that he was making six figures. That’s not where he started off & I never asked about money. I rarely asked for money. Always willing to live within my pocket. I encouraged his growth by supporting him on the homefront. Helping him study for school, the drivers exam & spending most of my free time with Cam.

Growing up, finances were never something we discussed at home, my mother was a single mother. I guess she kept those things to herself. I thought as long as he was paying the bills, what he did with his extra money wasn’t my business. I trusted him blindly. The truth, however, was that the kids and I were living in constant lack. Partly because we agreed that I would stop my new job- have Carter & be with him for a while.

Our income together kicked us out of the bracket for the great loan we needed. At one point I desired to go back to work & was struggling with finding comparable jobs to what I would have in Charlotte. My ex suggested I go work at a gas station or at the Dollar General. I was so upset with the suggestion because it was so far left from where I had been & wouldn’t have been beneficial. It would’ve been a cycle of struggle. I was doing everything I could with so little. I relaunched Pleasant Surprises. I thank God for His grace.

The day he received his motorcycle license, he was involved in a terrible accident that nearly took his life and left him in the ICU. Even then, God had already been showing me something was about to happen. He was mishandling us. I was navigating postpartum , breastfeeding & the baby was extremely fussy . We had no idea he was on the spectrum at that time.

He still claims the motorcycle accident started his addiction. I know now , from his friends , that he’d been taking pills recreationally long before that. My ex will hold a Rigor mortis grip on a lie , baby. After he was caught he would ask me , why I expected him to be truthful when I’m just going to use it against him. Classic case of - being repeatedly coined crazy. Starting to believe you were crazy but as it turns out, you were actually spot on.

I remember pretending to be his nurse to make detoxing a little more fun for him at home. Babying him & waiting on him hand & foot. He would eventually relapse. I would immediately notice because at this point, I’m hyper sensitive.

Each time I was to blame. It was something I didn’t say or do right.  I should’ve been more understanding. I abandoned him. I didn’t pluck his ingrown hair when he asked me. (lol-Jk) He would always find a way to tell me to do more while he did less. After trying to help him detox twice & rehab once. The disrespect, blame & secrets got worse.

Each time still hanging out with the same toxic friends & family members who supported his behavior. Expecting me to emotionally hold the house together through complete chaos. At some point, nothing bothered me anymore. I didn’t argue, fuss or anything anymore. I had nothing left to say. I could no longer involve myself emotionally with the situation. I still brought him Birthday , Father’s Day & Christmas gifts to be cordial but I no longer gave two ____s what he did. I desperately wanted more. I desperately wanted out.

CAGED ANIMAL

Three

At 1st he would pack a bag & leave every weekend. I wouldn’t say a word. One day he just up & left. Never came back or changed his mailing address. He left all of his things behind. Piles of clothes , shoes & electronics. After eight months, I couldn’t leave the house in that state anymore, so I packed everything up and moved it to the garage. I never called to check on him because at this point he’d disappear so much we were used to it.

Never this long but I couldn’t give it my energy. It was easier to just move on. My children haven’t seen or heard from my ex going on year two now. He hasn’t helped with them in any capacity in over a year. This is an intentional & calculated attack from the devil. His family , friends haven’t even checked in on them , literally non-existent in their life. I avoided one friend because she wanted to come over and report on his activities despite me telling her multiple times that I don’t care.

He has completely checked out. Honestly, he wasn’t taking care of his responsibilities either way. I guess we both became experts at behaving as if everything was fine when it wasn’t.

Funny thing is he when we finally spoke he would try to tell me that I have all this money. Talk about my taxes. It may have stemmed from someone watching & gossiping about my social media. But I am not ashamed to say that it was literally Gods favor providing for us , helping me to grow & steward what I was given. Blessing after blessing. Glory to Glory. Mana from heaven. Like stepping stones. God kept me at peace.

I had pretty cool job as an Events & Community Manager. It was my duty to host events , look cute , smile & support the community. That coupled with my real estate network allowed me to make major moves in the community. I even served as Chairwoman of The Young Professionals for the REALTORS Association just to stay connected. I didn’t have the time or resources to put into real estate . So , I focused on what I could do. Interceding for the youth & impacting them positively, starting at home.

It was hard showing up as a charismatic fun loving individual, helping others, managing a team , KILLING IT but living through hell at home. That’s why I love the lord. It’s so personal.

I’ve helped raise my stepson since he was one. He’s 12 now. His biological mother has never done anything for my kids or ever tried to build a relationship with them. Not even wished them a happy birthday. (Except for one time she did tell Carter) I’ve never spoken a negative word to her although she’s crossed several lines. Cam & I still talk on the phone and last year he finally asked me why he couldn’t come to see us. I had to straight up tell him, "Ask your other parents . Baby you know I would’ve come to get you.”  We would never even take a vacation without Cam , even when his dad wasn’t around.

I would drive two hours in the opposite direction just to pick him up. After all these years & I can’t pick him up. Now that’s INSANE. It breaks our hearts. The man Charlee called dad has completely ghosted her. He won’t even return her texts. She asked me if I think he feels bad about what he’s doing. I let her know- anyone who hurts other people intentionally does not feel good inside. No matter how they act. If he’d do that to Charlee- I wonder what made him deny that his mother was treating Charlee offensively due to her anger with me. Same spirit.

He set the scene by telling her , I wanted to separate them & I didn’t want him to have anything to do with her. But …”Who said that?!?”

When I confronted him about this, he claimed that I was living my "best life" while he was severely depressed, he felt like he was in “prison” and felt "attacked." That’s why he hadn’t seen his kid. No regard for how his behavior was affecting the kids.

I’LL TAKE THE COUCH

Four

I’ve got a sharp tongue & a way with words. I no longer read people for filth. I don’t speak negative over anyone because I serve God. I’ve had to work on being mindful, especially when it comes to holding back the true but harsh things that come to mind. Not to mention I’ve learned we ALL are wicked. We need God & the Holy Spirit behind our moves to guide our intentions.

So instead of saying something hurtful, I calmly told him, “I’ve never said that, and it’s not how I feel.” It felt like he was throwing a tantrum & just making up things. Kids might do that, but when adults do it …It’s honestly baffling. I realized it’s a trauma response & survival technique. But what do you do & how do you make it stop?

Truth is there were multiple people negatively impacted by this situation but we all carried the pain differently. Actually I let God carry my pain.

The last two years of our marriage, I was a robot. I worked myself to the bone and barely slept, crashing on the couch every night for a year. I was done.

The lies, the betrayal, the constant sabotage , made me feel like I couldn’t make any progress with him around. Behind closed doors, he behaved dismissively to my achievements. I’ve had a business for over 5 years now,  while he would congratulate other women & their achievements , I had to ask for him to acknowledge or support mine. I went to every work event beautiful & alone. In my opinion he wanted to humble me & to win the admiration of other women- so he spoke like I was his world.

If there was a woman who slighted me, was threatened by me or if you could tell she didn’t care for me, he’d especially bond with her. He would tell me I don’t realize how intimidating I was. GTFOH.

I even overheard him giving advice to others—MY advice, my exact words. The same things he’d argue with me about, he would preach to someone else as his own thoughts and as a sign of emotional maturity. One day as we were walking into the house he says , “ Yea cause nobody likes a goody two-shoes.” In reference to me - having no desire to remain attached to people who lack character . That’s when I started feeling like I was sleeping with the enemy. I realize that may not have been his thought process but it was exactly how his actions aligned.

The emotional abuse had been building for years, but he’d always tell the world (and me) that he loved me—especially when he was high. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was being “love-bombed” after he took pills. And every time I was ready to leave, he’d make a grand gesture. Each time- I thought we were making a breakthrough & unfortunately it bought him more time in our lives.

SOMEBODY THAT I USE TO KNOW…

Five

Fast forward , I’ve found so many pictures of him- falling asleep in awkward positions & places all of a sudden. I realized , that whenever I questioned him about something strange & he'd lash out with cruelty. It wasn’t because I was overbearing. He knew exactly what he was doing & he thought I would never leave.

Once I started setting boundaries the walls of our marriage really began to crumble. Through prayer I adopted radical acceptance of my situation. Show me who you are. I will love you , anyways. I will be patient, understanding , kind but I am only human. If you continue to cross communicated boundaries, I will walk away, even if it hurts.

I sent him long, heartfelt apologies- for things I didn’t feel guilty of , hoping we could all co-parent peacefully for the sake of the kids. But once I made it clear I wasn’t trying to rekindle our relationship, communication stopped. He did meet with Carter for 30mins after picking up a check from me, then disappeared again. My friend said , “Oh yea you better than me because I would’ve signed that check over to myself.”  (LOL) I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want anything for him until he heals & finds God.

I’ve just about blocked his whole family but one of his cousins is especially blocked. She told me it was our "pride" that kept us apart because he is a “functioning addict” & that I didn’t tea want to be cordial with him. Another one of his blocked -so called- friends insisted  that if I would listen to him and “do what he says." we could stay married. Then went on to call me delusional out of the blue. That was a demonic attack. No love , kindness or compassion attached.

Honestly , I did try just going with the flow & one thing I’ve learned for sure: A addict & unbeliever will only lead you straight to hell. Submit to a man that follows & loves Christ. Has a mentor who has accomplished what you desire to achieve. That’s the only way for me.

It wasn’t all bad but it was never right. The good moments were great but it was a shaky rollercoaster , never solid. It was never God.

This isn’t a story to bash anyone , just feelings and facts. I understand now that we all need healing. At first, I beat myself up for not praying more , for not staying, for entering a marriage without studying , for not being smarter & settling for so little. I don’t have those feelings anymore. I’ve let go of the self-blame. Now, I choose to move forward with God, I trust the God in me & embrace every lesson along the way.

If you’ve looked at my social media, YES , you’d see a part of me thriving, but there was also a part of me dying . I had to grab on to my Heavenly Father to survive.

A friend mentioned her loved one was going through something similar & went crazy. Literally lost her mind. I mentioned in my New Years post on IG (2024) that I felt a shield covering my head as I prayed the year in. Like Magnetos Helmet. That was God. He wrapped me so tightly last year. I never imagined going through any of this. It was devastating . I felt tricked & blindsided by his behavior towards me & our family. He was my best friend . I wanted my friend back. Now, he’s just somebody that I used to know.

LOVER GIRL

Six

During all of this marriage drama , my car was stolen, My mom was retired with no retirement. I was laid off my job (turned down the severance pay so that I could continue my claim with the EEOC), not a lick of unemployment and then found out the mortgage was in default. —almost $20K.. Meaning he wasnt paying the mortgage. They wanted all their funds upfront. My ac unit went out. My stove completely went out. My son needed surgery . I was also navigating his autism , trying to locate services & a heartbroken teenager on my own.

Some nights, I just wanted to leave my body. I couldn’t sleep enough , stop shaking , stop worrying and it was hard  for me to breathe normally. Holy Spirit would always come in with peace. It was supernatural. I leaned into that & tried to stay there as much as possible.

I’m not the type to give up, even when I want to. It's funny to think—people still envy me, at my lowest & use it as an opportunity to compete . I was made different.

We all want love but I just can’t accept anything less than Gods best for us. Last year I realized how intimidating Gods favor can be. This world continues to sacrifice morality to achieve material success & temporary pleasure. Gluttony & Idolatry. The world wants me to be superficial. It’s a trauma response.

But I don’t do strife or turmoil. I rest until the time is right. I delegate & build teams. I develop , collaborate & nurture. I like nice things authentically, not because a trendsetter told me I should. I don’t strive , I ATTRACT. It’s easy to misjudge & place expectations on someone you don’t know. Expecting far more than what you have or would be willing to give mentally or physically.

I’m one of the most loving,  humble  &  sacrificial people you will ever meet.  (Glory to God) However, I’ve learned to set boundaries, pay attention & to guard my heart. It’s more of them than it is of me. I must steward Gods grace well & remove distractions. You can feel my energy when I walk into a room . Either your eyes light up or you hate it. It’s sheer power. I choose to use it  for healing , love and transformation.

So, this isn’t a pity party or attempt to change anyone's opinion of me. This is not a blame game. These are facts & feelings. This is for someone who needs healing. This is strictly for God’s glory. I need to share the light and the dark parts of my journey. I want people to understand how good God is & the depth of my praise. God has anointed me. I walk in a supernatural acceleration that only comes to those who love Him and abide in His will through adversity. This is the reality I’ve lived. Others may have a different reality. That’s allowed. I’m ready for the new reality on the horizon.

AMEN

Seven

I’m a lover at my core—conceived in February, born in November. Love, intensity , power and passion drive me. I still believe in the beauty of marriage & look forward providing a Proverbs 31 experience to the man God has for me. May I be his rib like Eve was for Adam. May we walk around our own garden of Eden doing the lords work together. Business Partners. May he have eyes & a heart for me like Jacob did for Rachel. May I marry a King after my Nabel experience like Abigail. May I bare his child as God blesses our union with redemption, legacy & land. Homelands & foreign- like God did for Abraham & Sarah. May we walk together touching & agreeing. May the two of us have a good return for our labor and may we help each other up as it reads in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10. AMEN

The marriage I had was an attack on my bloodline & my father’s karma. God is using it for acceleration.

A toast to the alignment!