Too STRONG
A few years ago, one evening after a day of golfing, I went out for dinner with a friend. I ended up enjoying several margaritas and even danced salsa with the waiter. It was a fantastic night!
However, it also led to a surprisingly enlightening conversation. I found myself sharing too many secrets with him, appreciating the male perspective from someone I held in high regard. He was the first and only guy I ever asked, “How do you think men perceive me?”
His reply was, “I think they feel you’re too strong.” That statement immediately annoyed me. “What? I don’t understand,” I responded, feeling a bit devastated. He reassured me that it wasn't a deal-breaker, just something that guys might think.
After some reflection, I realized that the strength he mentioned wasn’t about inner resilience or physical capability; it was about my reluctance to be vulnerable. I wanted you to connect with me, but I was hesitant to feel you. I avoided pain at all costs.
I instinctively defended my softer side, but over the months, I came to terms with the fact that I was indeed too strong. This was evident in my tone, how I approached conversations, my body language, and my tendency to avoid eye contact. I was impenetrable, defensive, and guarded.
I’m not proud to admit it, but young Toni would approach someone she liked by invading their personal space with seductive untone. This behavior was in direct contradiction to who she was as a woman. Amongst the least promiscuous & would be highly offended if touched without permission.
Subconsciously, she gravitated towards safe subjects, where attraction was clear, and their body language exuded false confidence and a lack of boundaries. I wouldn’t have known how to handle rejection, so I created a space that left no room for it. Both egos were satisfied in each encounter. When I think about it, how instinctively calculating that was. It's interesting to realize I thought that would lead to positive outcomes. Never reaching for what I truly desired but for what was seemingly safe.
While I had my reasons, that’s not the main point. I’m incredibly grateful for my friend’s honest answer to my question. Without it, I might never have discovered this crucial insight. I may never have reconsidered my demeanor.
Cheers to vulnerability as a sign of strength!
Some people bring joy, others cause pain, some enlighten you while some are meant for a fleeting moment, and others become lifelong companions. Go for what you want. You won’t know the outcome until you try.
